The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless,
the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow’s nest now has excellent wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; “Rum, sodomy and the lash”; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.

Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.

The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by “Hello Sailor”.

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.

This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a “non-specific” flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.

The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays “In the Navy” by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England ‘s south coast.

The Prime Minister said, “Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels.”

His final words were, “Britannia waives the rules.”


For some time I’ve wondered if we give people their pensions at completely the wrong end of life?

Say a man retires at 65 and is lucky enough to survive until 85 years old, he’ll be drawing a pension for two decades. Currently the Government would like to pay him £140 a week (although we’re not there yet). That would be £140 x 52 weeks x 20 years. My calculator tells me that’s around £145,000 per pensioner at a fairly low living standard.

However, if for each new baby born £1000 is paid by the State into a Personal Pension Pot (PPP) each year, he or she will have a PPP of £15,000 plus by the age of 15.
That PPP will be ring-fenced for the individual and manage-invested by a Commission of independent experts spread over five to seven portfolios (from property, retail, technology etc.) A good spread.

Fifteen thousand pounds over 50 years, earning say just 2% interest, will be a PPP valued at £4.5 million at retirement. Money for all later health needs and left overs for shopping and private investment.

Over the pensioner’s working life, that person will only have to pay back the original £15,000 into the system through National Insurance. Adjustments will apply, obviously. I imagine it would have to be phased in over time.

Any experts out there are welcome to shoot the idea down – I’m sure they will. But I wouldn’t mind a few million smackers on my retirement, that’s for sure!


I researched a lot about China when I wrote DEADWATER DEEP, set around the handover of Hong Kong to the Chinese government in the late 1990s.
Even then it was clear that the West was beginning to forget that the country is still a very authoritarian Communist state. It has arguably the largest armed forces in the world and more land disputes with its neighbours than any other nation
Because of all the cheap, yet good quality goods that have poured out of China and many of its people are clearly starting to enjoy the good life, we forget that thousands of political prisoners languish in gulags at the pleasure of their own people.
It’s still one baby per family and “all animals are equal, except that some are still more equal than others”.
The omnipotent People’s Liberation Army (PLA) runs covert psychological warfare operations to influence and dupe foreign military and political leaders. According to the Sunday Times, one such is the China Association for International Friendly Contact (CAIFC), which is an organisation that sets itself up as a forum for discussion with overseas nations. Its figurehead president is Li Zhaoxing, a former foreign minister.
Others serving on the board of the CAIFC are members of the PLA’s secret and powerful Liaison Department, or Lian Luo Bu, an innocuous-sounding unit whose mission is to wage “psychological, media and legal” warfare against China’s adversaries.
Sunday Times reporter Michael Sheridan says some of those attending CAIFC events last year included former leaders of the both the UK and USA.
The West has to be careful what it selects from the Chinese menu. It’s not always what it seems. Some stuff might seem sweet but ends up with a very sour after taste.